Speed Walkers Need Steroids Too

If you thought the only people turning to steroids for an advantage these days were Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton (pictured), you'd be wrong.

Just before the Beijing games began it was reported that three Russian speed walkers had tested positive for a banned substance. Which of course begs the question: there's more than one person competing for a spot on a country's speed walking team?


The Belfast Telegraph (yes THAT Belfast Telegraph) reported the story but is actually not a Russian newspaper. They're located in northern Ireland and are likely trying to build momentum for their own gold medal caliber Irish speed walking team by exposing the cheating, scandalous Russian squad. The three Russians walkers also tested positive for large amounts of vodka, although it should be noted that it is not a banned substance.

Olympic speed walkers have always been looking to increase the velocity of their steps, just as long it's not TOO much quicker. Steroid-abusing walkers could be blurring the line between speed walking and slightly slower running. And after all, anyone can run but walking as fast as possible is an art form as classic as accelerated eye blinking.

It's a sad day for athletic competition when the most honorable of sports has fallen prey to the evil steroid empire. It seems that no sport is untouchable from being tainted. Curling, we're watching you.

Tip of the hat for this story goes to the blog "Fighting the Man Eight Days a Week," who specializes primarily in exposing Russian injustices around the world. And male pugilism occurring over an impossibly long period of time.
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The Fix is (Possibly) In. Is China Cheating in the Olympics?

There is no question that the 2008 Olympics are one of the most historically significant events in the history of modern China. We also know how badly the Chinese want this to be the best Olympics ever, especially for them. This is their chance to assert their place as a world power in the sports world, as well as the political world. But just how badly does China want to win the medal count in Beijing? To examine the issue, we've found:

 The Top 5 Olympic Events China Might Be Cheating In 

5. Boxing

The Event: The bantamweight and lightweight boxing tournaments

The Fix: In the bantamweight division; after British world Bronze medalist, Joe Murray, lost his highly favored bout against China's Gu Yu, Murray was adamant that he was on the poor end of some favorable calls. But the British boxer shrugged it off as if it was expected. The Ukrainian lightweight Oleksandr Klyuchko, however, didn't take his questionable loss to China's Hu Quing so lightly. The Ukrainians filed a complaint with the International Amateur Boxing Federation. (AIBA)

The Odds: Low. The Ukranian complaint was dismissed by AIBA after a  formal hearing. But still, two instances of cheating in the sport, lodged by two different countries, makes you start to think.


4. Shooting

The Event: Men's double trap

The Fix: Veteran Australian shooter, Russell Mark, has alleged that Chinese shooter, Hu Binyuan, had the judge's help when winning the bronze medal in the event. Mark claims that one of the targets was clearly missed by Binyaun, but points were awarded. He goes on to say that the only reason there is no uproar, is because it was merely for a bronze, not gold. He wondered if the boisterous crowd was influencing the judge's opinions.

The Odds: Moderate. It's hard to imagine why clearly missed targets would be scored, so eyebrows have to be raised. But a raucous crowd could distract a judge long enough to cause an error in the fast paced world of trap shooting.

3. Fireworks

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: The opening ceremonies in Beijing were some of the most spectacular events ever shown worldwide. The dazzling pyrotechnic display was truly a sight to behold. But what you saw at home might have been a little different than at the games. Due to the poor weather conditions, China might have fabricated some of the more elaborate fireworks digitally.

The Odds: Definitive. The Chinese admitted to prefabricating some of the fireworks because of visibility issues with overhanging clouds. While this isn't really cheating in the athletic sense, it did set a precedent for the rest of the games.

2. Gymnastics

The Event: The women's team final, and the Chinese women's team in general

The Fix: During the women's team final, U.S. coach, Marta Karolyi, accused the Chinese stadium officials of instituting unnecessary delays to throw off their gymnasts, most notably Alicia Sacramone. She claims the officials would call her up, but then make her wait for no reason, not giving her the signal to begin. A more serious accusation though, is being filed against the Chinese women's team for their bending of the age limit. Nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government's news agency reported that gymnast He Kexin was 13. But later both Kexin and the government denied this to be true, and that she was actually 16, the required minimum age.

The Odds: High. Karolyi's accusation does not hold much water, since technical delays have been a problem for all the teams, including China. But the age of the Chinese gymnast is extremely questionable. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell the difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. That coupled with a government issued report stating that she was 13, makes this a legitimate cause for concern.

1. Cuteness

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: Everyone in the world instantly fell in love with the little girl to my left, the moment she opened those angelic pipes of hers, and flashed that super cute smile. She became an instant star in her home country, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reportedly in a bidding war with her parents to adopt her. But is she the Asian version of Aguilera and Spears, or Milli and Vanilli?

The Odds: Definitive. China fessed up to replacing the actual little girl who sang the song with a super cute girl with a talent only for lip syncing. The sad thing is, other than a few snaggly baby teeth, the original girl was still pretty darn cute. So you know what China? You can have all the gold medals in trap shooting and gymnastics you want, but when you're replacing cute girls with uber-cute girls for the sake of ratings, you've gone too far mister. When you do that you're cheating on the U S of A. Because we invented that, dammit.
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Chad Johnson Could Beat Michael Phelps

...or so he claims. In an interview with the guys from PTI, Tony Kornheiser asked Ocho Cinco if he could beat Michael Phelps in a swimming race. To which he said,

"...if he came to where I'm from, which is the inner city...I was a three time Charles Harding pool champ. I know a couple who could beat Michael Phelps right now. Seriously, I'm telling you, and I'm one of them."

It is officially on. After Phelps finishes his run at Olympic history and the swim meet draws to a close, why not fly in Chad Johnson and put him to the test? After all, Phelps has had to swim seventeen races, and has to be stressed out and tired. Not only would this give Phelps a much needed moment to laugh, it would help even the field a little for the three time C-Hard champ. And by that I mean Phelps might not lap him...by much.

But who knows, Johnson has tried this before, and won. Johnson outran a horse on the track by a few lengths, of the horse, not Johnson. But running of course is a fundamental of his sport, football. The only swimming he has to do, is in all the money he's earning this year. Last time I checked, the Speedo LZR wasn't aerodynamically designed for Scrooge McDuck.

Regardless of the outcome, the race would be both entertaining and beneficial. I can see Ocho swimming under the rope into Phelps' lane as he tires to lap him, pulling down his Speedo, and sending the golden boy reeling. Better yet, just like the horse race, they should let Chad start on the block, but make Phelps stand 30 yards back, having to run and leap into the pool. You know what, let's make that the standard for swimming period. All swimmers should have to run and jump into the pool, all while avoiding falling on the wet floor. That's a sport I could get into.

But the entertainment value aside, if Chad Johnson really is even an average swimmer, a race like this would do wonders to promote inner city swimming. Johnson himself claims that the only reason kids like him aren't competing with Phelps, is because they don't have the opportunity. Well what Cullen Jones did for African-American swimming a few nights ago, will be nothing compared to when Chad Johnson and his bleached mohawk hit the pool.

So, whether he was joking or not, I honestly think Johnson is on to something here. It would be good for swimming, good for him and his cause, and good TV for all of us.
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Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the Big Ten

Okay so I didn't post this yesterday like I should have, but that's because our crack R&D team was formulating a new approach to the mascot mania format. This time, I'll be breaking each team down in categories, and assigning each category a numeric value, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest. I've also added a "Fun for Kids" category, to factor in the mascot's likability with children. This will be the format for the rest of the conferences as well. I could go back and change the ACC post also, but meh. So no more blabbering, because it's time for:

Ranking the Mascots of The Big Ten

The historic Big Ten conference has eleven teams and fuzzy math. Overall the conference has quite a few really good mascots, but sadly three of the teams don't have any kind of physical representation of their school's nickname. This is a huge negative when determining the worth of mascots. You can't play ball if you don't have a team. There also is a trend to adopt state nicknames. 5 of the 11 teams take their nickname from their home state. But enough with stat, let's get to the new and improved rankings:

11. The Indiana Hoosiers

Origin: Indiana, like four others on this list, takes it's name from the state it's in. The word Hoosier means nothing more than a person from the state of Indiana. Nobody really knows where the word came from; like tarheel, the origin stories are numerous and pretty stupid. One particularly dumb tale has pioneer folk in Indiana shouting "Hello the cabin" when approaching houses, to which the cabin dweller would respond, "Who's 'Ere." You can see how wads of tobacco spit and illiteracy would eventually turn the phrase into "Hoosiers." I guess it could be worse though, they could be the Indiana Indianans. 2


Name of Mascot: N/A 0

Fear Factor: People don't tend to go running and screaming when they meet eleven guys from Indiana. But on the other hand, Dave Letterman is from Indiana, and he's kind of an ass, so there's always that. 2

Rallying Cry: The one inlaid advantage to adopting your state's nickname as your own is a built in connection to everyone in the state. Like it or not, everyone in that state is, by definition, also a hoosier. 5

Fun for Kids: It's a well published fact that kids hate the letter "I". Maybe they wouldn't if Indiana embodied one, ala Sesame Street. It's just an idea. 1

Total MQ (Mascot Quotient): 10

10. The Illinois Fighting Illini

Origin: The Illini is a name given to a group of six tribes from the upper Mississippi area that inexplicably has seventeen members(according to wikipedia). I guess that makes them a perfect fit for the Big Ten/Eleven. Normally, as you saw with the placement of FSU at the top of the ACC mascots, Native American tribe mascots earn big time points for their historical value and warrior mentality. But the Illini tribes weren't really all that great. Most of them were stricken by disease when the Europeans started immigrating. What was left of the tribe was easily carted to Oklahoma when manifest destiny overtook their land. 3

Name of Mascot: Formerly Chief Illinikwek, now nothing. 1

Fear Factor: Hard to be scared of a bunch of sickly Native Americans. On the plus side, a member of the Peoria tribe, one of the seventeen/six tribes, was responsible for assassinating legendary Iroquois chief Pontiac. Presumably while covered in measles. 6

Rallying Cry: The school used to have a dancing, offensive Native American named Chief Illiniwek, but he was banned by the new NCAA rule. Illinois was not backed by any tribe, as FSU was, so the Chief was tomahawked. Kinda hard to get pumped about a mascot that doesn't have your back. 1

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love teaching their child the joys of racisim? 0

Total MQ: 11


9. The Minnesota Golden Gophers

Origin: Minnesota is often referred to as the Gopher state, hence the nickname taken by it's namesake university. The reason Minnesota is called this, is due to a 1857 political cartoon depicting gophers with politician heads, pulling a locomotive. Hilarious! The cartoon was in response to local politicians passing a very expensive bill to fund train construction, an event not worthy of being remembered every time Minnesota plays sports. The "golden" moniker comes from an old announcer appropriately describing their all gold uniforms. 4

Name of Mascot: Goldy Gopher 4

Fear Factor: Gophers are small herbivores that live in large families underneath big open fields. These "gopher towns" can grow to be several acres and occupy a thousand gophers. Their elaborate tunnels eventually kill all plant life in the area, turning the once beautiful meadow into a dust bowl. Also, one of them really pissed off Bill Murray. 3 

Rallying Cry: The team aspect of gophers is definitely a plus, but unless you've got a couple years to kill while your team digs intricate tunnels under the field, it's hard to rally behind a gopher. 1 2 3 Burrow! 2

Fun for Kids: Gophers are depicted in the media as being fun-loving mischievous characters. Although he ain't scaring opponents, kids probably do love Goldy. 8

Total MQ: 21

8. The Northwestern Wildcats

Origin: Northwestern University used to go by the nickname, "The Purple." As unoriginal as Wildcats is, it's better than the purple. Realizing that their colorful nickname was so uncreative that it was bordering on creative, conservative Northwestern decided to adopt a newspaper headline that mentioned how the team fought like wildcats in a loss. So not only was the name not creative, and derived from the same old source, it was from a losing effort! The only thing that makes this uncreative nickname somewhat acceptable is that it replaces the other name the team had when they were the purple; "The Fighting Methodists." 5

Name of Mascot: Willie the Wildcat 5

Fear Factor: Contrary to popular belief, "wildcats" is not a collective term for all cougars, pumas, lynxes, and such. It is a feral cat that is very similar to the domesticated house cat, except that when it kills birds and mice, it eats every part of the body, instead of just leaving a bloody carcass on your porch as a trophy. 6

Rallying Cry: If you're worried about Illinois wildcats attacking your children, you can relax. Wildcats only live in Europe, Africa, and Asia, nowhere near Evanston, Illinois. Go Wildcats! As soon as we finish crossing the Atlantic that is! 2

Fun for Kids: The kids don't have to worry about any actual attacks from feral cats, just wet ones from Willie. 5

Total MQ: 23

7. The Ohio State Buckeyes

Origin: The buckeye tree is the state tree of Ohio. There's really nothing more to this origin story. That's it. It's just a damn tree that produces large nuts that British people use to play a ridiculous sounding game called, "Conker." Which made me learn why the Nintendo squirrel of the same name was called that. Other than that, I got nothing. 1

Name of Mascot: Brutus the Buckeye 10

Fear Factor: Buckeyes are very hard, very round nuts, that can be found aplenty all throughout Ohio. Imagine getting pelted by these things by 100,000 screaming OSU fans at the Horseshoe. I think I'd rather be stoned to death. 5

Rallying Cry: O-H-I-O. That's what they'll be screaming as they bombard you with more nuts in your face than George Michael in a public bathroom. 4

Fun for Kids: The one thing that puts OSU this far up the list is their mascot, Brutus. While most schools would have backed down when facing the challenge of embodying a buckeye, OSU said nuts to that, and named him Brutus. Brutus is truly one of the coolest and toughest looking mascots of all time. Oh and the kids love that nut too. 6

Total MQ: 26

6. The Iowa Hawkeyes:

Origin: Iowa takes their name from their state as well. The hawkeye nickname is most likely derived from the character, "Hawkeye" from "The Leatherstocking Tales", and the less gay adaptation, "Last of the Mohicans." Hawkeye was a half white, half Native American warrior, played by milkshake loving Daniel Day Lewis. Apparently he was also last of the Mohicans. All this is well and good , except the events of this story took place in New York, nowhere near Iowa. So I guess they just really liked "The Leatherstocking Tales." Because reading is fun-damental. 7

Name of Mascot: Herky the Hawk 2

Fear Factor: Hawkeye the mixed race warrior, lived by the motto, "One shot, one kill." Which has been adopted by Iowa frat guys but altered a little to, "One shot, Jagremeister." 8

Rallying Cry: Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty damn cool, but he was one single warrior, with little hope of carrying on the name of his people. Not exactly the game day speech I wanna give to my team. Plus, Iowa has chose not to focus on the badass aspects of their name, instead translating it literally into a Hawk's eye. Go eyeballs! 6

Fun for Kids: Iowa alumnus or not, I would smack my child fierce if he wanted the autograph of something called Herky. 4

Total MQ: 27

5. The Michigan Wolverines:

Origin: According to Marvel Lore, James "Logan" Howlett was a wolverine cub who evolved at an alarming rate due to the interference of an omnipotent being. He has the charchteristics of a wolverine, but he can also walk upright and fart. Also somewhere down the evolutionary chain, wolverines apparently adopted the ability to heal themselves. The Univeristy of Michigan thought this, and his maize and blue X-Men uniform were really cool so they made him their mascot. I have no evidence of this, but neither does wikipedia, so it must be true. 10

Name of Mascot: N/A I'm adopting Wolverine the X-Man simply for this article, they actually have no mascot. 0

Fear Factor: When engaged in close combat, Wolverine will often go into "berserk mode," giving him a burst of speed and strength and making him less vlunerable to psychic attacks. Beat that Brutus! 10

Rallying Cry: Wolverine Ho! Wouldn't it be cool if Wolverine made an appearance on the Thundercats? It seems like the most natural crossover in all of cartooning. 6

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love playing with their retractable adamanium claw gloves? Plus, Wolverine makes being hairy cool, which makes little kids respect their football loving dads even more. 5

Total MQ: 31

4. The Wisconsin Badgers

Origin: The last of the same as state schools, Wisconsin is known as the badger state, but not after the suprisingly ferocious mammal. It comes from a term used to describe prospectors who came in search of minerals, but came away empty-handed. Apparanetly, to stay warm dry and homeless, they would burrow into the sides of hills like badgers. Which proves my theory that people will do anything to have gold plated teeth as cool as Marshawn Lynch's. 7

Name of Mascot: Bucky Badger 7

Fear Factor: The badger is one of nature's scrappiest creatures. These ferocious little beasts have been known to fight off wolves, coyotes, and even bears. They can also run at an alarming 30mph. Bucky might be cute, but his brothers will f you up. 8

Rallying Cry: The image of the small badger taking on the big bear and winning, probably gets deployed at least twice a year when Wisconsin faces OSU and Michigan. 6

Fun for Kids: Like I said before, Bucky is an adorable little guy, but I still wouldn't let him near my children. But I would before I would let them near those dirty prospectors. 5

Total MQ: 33

3. Purdue Boilermakers

Origin: The name boliermaker comes from a term a local newspaper used, to describe the men who played on the football team. Why? Because back in the older, more manly days, going to engineering school meant actually bending steel with your bare hands. Students would spend most of their time working in the forge room, learning the ropes of their soon to be jobs. I imagine after molding steal all day, molding opposing teams to the ground was cake. The newspaper quote comes from the aftermath of a 44-0 victory. 10

Name of Mascot: Purdue Pete 4

Fear Factor: There is nothing more synonomous with footbal than big burly men in hard hats. These men will wrap rebars around your neck and drive you into the ground with a sledgehammer. 8

Rallying Cry: Just like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Purdue's mascot gets down to the blue-collar roots of the game. When you have 300+ pound guys without shirts on, with nothing better to do than curse at you, you play your damn heart out. 10

Fun for Kids: Teach your kids at an early age that growing up in a small town means low pay and a crappy job, or abandoning your family for greener pastures. Good times! 2

Total MQ: 34

2. The Penn State Nittany Lions

Origin: Named after the mountain lions that used to roam near campus from nearby Mt. Nittany, the Nit....wait a sec, did I just type that right? They used to roam around campus? I suppose the students of back in the day Penn State would laugh at the notion of a school shooter. How would he ever get past the lions? 10

Name of Mascot: The Nittany Lion 3

Fear Factor: If the thought of actual mountain lions potentially wandering on the field hadn't already scared the crap out of your opponents, how about this fun fact: the mountain lion's primary attack is the neck lunge. It will bear down on an animal or linebacker's back, specifically between the vertebrae and the spinal cord. So even if you survive, you'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. 10

Rallying Cry: The squelching roar of a mountain lion will send shivers down even the fattest O-lineman's about to be ripped apart spine. 9

Fun for Kids: As ferocious as their mascot is, Penn State did a good job of making their mascot look as goofy as humanly possible. 7

Total MQ: 39

1. The Michigan State Spartans.

Origin: Originally called "The Staters," the Michigan State board of trustees decided to name the school after something a little less redundant. The Spartans were inhabitants of a city-state of Greece that was the predominat military power in the region for over 300 years. Their military tactics and overall badassery are still studied to this day. 10

Name of Mascot: Sparty 8

Fear Factor: In the city-state of Sparta, the people were divided up into two main classes; Spartan citizens and hellots(serfs). In addition to having crappy names, the hellots were in constant fear for their life when the leaves turned colors. According to Spartan law, Spartan citizens were allowed to murder hellots with no reprecussions in the autumn season. Whenever Michigan State gets around to scheduling the Division III, Hamstead State Hellots, all hell is gonna break loose. 10

Rallying Cry: Just watch the movie 300. That's all you have to do coach. Just pop in the DVD, and let the wins roll in. 10

Fun for Kids: You're kids will learn an early lesson in homosexuality when the historically acurate Sparty "befirends" your son in a dark hallway. 3

Total MQ: 41

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Should Michael Phelps' Speedo Be Branded With An Asterisk?

Last night Michael Phelps continued his incredible streak into Olympic and possibly sports history as he won his two races of the night. With three more races to go, Phelps is inching ever so close to breaking Spitz' record. Soon all the pundits from across the land will awaken from their hibernation to unleash a full-on debate as to whether or not Phelps is the greatest Olympic athlete ever, and/or the greatest athlete period.

But before he's even made it to the final leg of his epic journey, many are asking if his legacy deserves an asterisk. In this 24-hour sports media generation that we're in, everything is being labeled with a proverbial star, if there's any question to the merit of the achievement. Guilty before proven innocent is the mantra of the day. So, with the ho-hum proceedings of world records being broken in swimming, Phelps' achievements are in doubt.

The LZR Speedo racer is a breakthrough in swimming technology that hasn't been seen since some cross-dressing swimmer took a lady Bic to his legs, and  then proceeded to beat all of his hairy competitors. World records are being broken in every race, sometimes by a few seconds. In last night's 200m Freestyle Relay, where Phelps won his fifth gold, the U.S. men broke the world record by about three seconds. The collective reaction? A big fat yawn.

In a sport that's often measured in hundredths of a second, a world record being broken by three seconds should be one of the greatest shows of athleticism in all of sports. But the LZR suit, deeper pools, and a change in the way swimmers are allowed to perform strokes, has set a precedent for speed that is just now catching up to the record books. The timing just happened to coincide with the 2008 Olympics, causing all the World Records to fall faster than a drunk Lindsay Lohan in heels.

So unless Speedo learns how to harness the power of the sun and create a exoskeleton that molds to your skin, streamlines your muscle production, gives you three nitro boosts per race, and cures your cancer, then 2012 won't be singing the same tune. World Records won't fall at nearly the rate they are now, because the technology would have already caught up.

But it's not rainy 2012 in London, it's smoggy 2008 in Beijing, and this is Michael Phelps' year. But the question people are asking is; should Phelps' achievements be marred with an asterisk because of the overall increased speed of the sport? I think the answer should without a doubt be no.

First off, he isn't using a substance that's either illegal or a competitive advantage; any swimmer can use the LZR if they want, and most of them do. So Barry Bonds he is not. The fact that all the other competitors have the exact same advantages, completely erases the argument in my mind. When the three-point line was instituted in basketball, did anybody question the scoring records that consequently fell in the years that followed?

But of course basketball is a team sport, so it's hard to give a straight line comparison. So I turn to an athlete who's achievements are right on par with those of Phelps; Tiger Woods. When Tiger was smashing tournament records in 2000, was anybody questioning whether the improved club technology and his game-changing workout regiment, should render his accomplishments as less than? Of course not.

And like swimming will do in the following years, golf adapted to Tiger and the new technology, making it more difficult for the records to be smashed. Did that change Tiger's winning ways? No, and neither will it Phelps. Because as the years go by, the margins of victory will fade away into the annals of Wikipedia, but the win itself will always live on.
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Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the ACC

You might have noticed the last few days there has been a lack of posts, and that yours truly is the only one writing said posts. That would be because my partner Phil, is on a leave of absence. Phil will be attending a "Finding the Inner Woman in You" seminar for the next week, leaving me alone with WHAS. Phil's new found sexuality means two things: one, their will only be about two or three posts a day, instead of four or five, and two, he won't be able to do his feature posts on Wednesday and Thursday. So in celebration of the upcoming college football season I introduce to you:

Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the BCS

From today until Saturday, I'll be breaking down and ranking each of the six BCS conference's mascots. The rankings are based on which team's logo/mascot/nickname best exemplifies the spirit of competition. A figurehead that instills fear in it's opponents and provides a rallying cry for their players and fans. So join me as I indicate, inform, and irritate those who's teams who's mascot are sub-par. First up, The ACC.

12. The Virginia Tech Hokies

One of the biggest detractors for me in ranking any school's mascot, is a nonsensical name. How is one supposed to rally behind something that has no physical embodiment? 

The term hokie comes from the school's fight song, which begins, "Hokie Hokie Hy." It is basically the equivalent of the term "Rah." As is the case for many of the mascots on the lists this week, the hokie doesn't translate into costume, so the school is forced to adopt a secondary mascot. This in itself is a drawback to the team's image. 

When naming the mascot, shouldn't that have been a factor in eliminating it from consideration? But, if given a chance to supplement your clearly stupid choice of a mascot, the school should at least get it right the second time. But the boys from Blacksburg chose a turkey. 

The "gobblers", as they're known, most likely comes from a legend about the VT football players' ability to gobble down food. So Virginia Tech players are supposed to rally around a gluttonous turkey that goes, "Rah"? It's a good thing VT has arguably the best fans in the ACC, canceling out arguably the dumbest mascot in the BCS.

11. The UNC Tarheels

Let the hate mail commence. It seems that in the minds of most media outlets, UNC can do no wrong. But this has nothing to do with wins, championships, or pretty colors; it's about how a school reps itself in foam, rubber, and in this case print. 

I'm sorry UNC fans, your nickname sucks. The name tarheel, which is also the state nickname, comes from....well nobody really knows. There are a whole slew of theories out there. One story has North Carolina soldiers in the Revolutionary War dumping pine tar into the now aptly named Tar River, causing British soldiers to get sticky heels when they crossed. 

Another comes from the fact that North Carolina was the last state to secede during the civil war. But, most likely the term is just a derogatory slang word that outsiders had for the pine tarring workers of the state. Pine tarring is a smelly, disgusting job that most wouldn't even think of doing. So calling someone a tarheel was the equivalent of calling someone a shit shoveler. Well, if that's not a figure I want to rally around I don't know what is. 

The offensive tarheel is a much crappier mascot than the nonsensical hokie, but like VT, UNC had a second chance because the tarheel doesn't translate into costume. And as horrible as the tarheel is. the ram is a great mascot, especially for football. It invokes the sentiment of a hard nosed, grind-it-out mentality that a football team often utilizes. So, the ultra-cool ram slightly neutralizes the offensive tarheel, giving UNC the edge over Virginia Tech.

10. The Maryland Terrapins

A whole lot of things wrong with this one. First, the mascot's official name is, Testudo, which is Latin for "protective shell." Implementing a dead language only used by scientists and priests to name your mascot is ridiculous enough. 

But choosing a Latin name that sounds like the protagonist in a fantasy porn film is even worse. I think the porn's tag-line would read: "Join Testudo and his sidekick Phallus as they save Sexylvania by ransacking the booties of all the maiden's in the land." But regardless of that, it's still a freaking turtle. 

Not a snapping turtle, or a giant Galapagos turtle, but a diamondback terrapin, a small, brackish water turtle. So not only can the poor bastard only live in water that's salty and fresh at the same time, it's only defense is to hide in it's shell; which anyone who's ever stepped on a turtle knows isn't so great. 

But I will give the University of Maryland credit for making lemonade out of lemons. In both the logo and the mascot, the terrapin is depicted as being ferocious, and it does look like it would snap your head off. But I think even a really loud "Hokie" would send it hiding in it's shell.

9. The Duke Blue Devils

A classic case of coming so close and then falling flat on your face. If they were simply known as the Duke Devils, they would probably be in the top three. The alliterative association with the prince of darkness would no doubt meet the requirement of instilling fear in your opponents. 

While Conservative christian players might have a hard time rallying around it at first, a senior linebacker would no doubt pile drive the bible beater and then politely tell him it's just a damn mascot. In football there is no religion and politics, only manliness. 

But the "I'm better than thou" Dookies, chose to name their mascot in honor of the "les Diables Bleus," a French regiment of soldiers in WWI. It's no wonder everyone in America hates your team. The idea of naming your school after a group of soldiers is good. But instead of the "we lose every war" French, how about naming your team the "Roughriders," the name of the rough and tumble soldiers that Teddy Roosevelt led during the Spanish American War.

Or if you really like the satanic theme, how about the "Devil Dogs," a common term given to members of the Marines. I also have a hard time associating the term with anything other than the popular song by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. Having a song as a rallying cry can work, but, "Devil in a Blue Dress." isn't exactly "We Will Rock You."

8. The Miami Hurricanes.

The University of Miami has the exact opposite problem as UNC. They have a very cool nickname, with a horrible secondary mascot. 

A hurricane is probably the most destructive and deadly mascot in all of sports. Until Colgate University changes it's name to the Colgate Cancer, the hurricane will always reign supreme. But, as the Carolina Hurricanes and Iowa State Cyclones also found out, embodying a force of nature just doesn't translate to foam. So Miami turned to a lanky bird. 

As I'll cover more later in the week, I'm not a fan of bird mascots. The only time birds have been scary were as a giant pecking pack, in Hitchcocks' "The Birds." So unless a team names itself after a group of birds, I'm not for it. That said, I'm officially petitioning Fordham Univerity to change it's name to the Fordham Flock of Seagulls. 

But I will give credit to the U for making the Ibis look somewhat threatening. It looks like a drunk sailor ready to fight. The long, sharp beak is also intimidating, able to poke the eye out of it's competitors. But then why the hell does their mascot look like Howard the Duck? The threatening Ibis has been neutered of it's once deadly weapon and is now just a drunk duck sailor. But the deadly hurricane helps propel Miami above the others.

7. The Boston College Eagles

Yet another bird. Why are so many teams named after birds? I realize that you want to separate yourself from the millions of Wildcats and Tigers, but birds are nature's dumbasses. Someone stupid is called "bird-brained" for a reason. 

But, if you're gonna pick a bird, at least pick a good one. The list of acceptable birds is: Hawks, condors, falcons, and eagles. These are predatory creatures who spend most of their time looking for unsuspecting creatures to dive-bomb.

And I can't argue against the correlation between Boston's position in our nation's history, and the national bird of our country. Boston is one of the few cities, along with Philadelphia that can choose the eagles without any question. 

Also, the name of their mascot is "Baldwin the Eagle" which conjures visions of Alec Baldwin running around the field squawking, which would be simply hilarious. However it could also make you think of Stephen Baldwin, which no person should ever have to do.

6. The Clemson Tigers

Without a doubt, the tiger is a great symbol of honor and fear. The image of a prowling tiger guarding it's young will make even the bravest men dampen their pants. 

Tigers are creatures that demand to be fed giant hunks of raw meat,that they rip apart with their huge fangs and sharp claws. Clemson however, chose not to focus on this aspect at all. 

Instead they gave us "Mr. Tiger" in all his goofy Winnie the Pooh glory. No, you know what, I take that back, even Tigger is scarier than that goofy cat to my right. In theory, Tigger could bounce up in the air, stick out his claws and gore you on the rebound. 

He also has a cooler name than the creative Mr. Tiger. If you're going to name a tiger I suggest Tygra, after the baddest Thunder Cat of them all. But Clemson just proves my theory that if you're stuck coming up with a good team name, no matter how redundant, Tiger or Wildcat guarantees you'll be better than at least half the mascots in your conference.

5. The Virginia Cavaliers

To rate UVA, we need to first learn what a cavalier really is. Cavalier can mean an aloof attitude towards a particular subject. Which would put Virginia down with it's in-state brethren in the nonsensical name category. 

But obviously, Thomas Jefferson's school chose to go with the term used to describe royalist supporters of King George during the English Civil War. One could point out that a school in the state of presidents, and home of the capital of the confederacy, shouldn't name themselves after supporters of the English monarchy, but the cavaliers we're no ordinary aristocrats. 

They were men with great honor but little cause. They would gladly die for their King, the only idol these godless men worshipped. Think the Three Musketeers, but British. They were the type of guys who would fight you with a sword in one hand, and hold a wineglass with the other. 

Between parrys, thrusts, and drinks, they would spout off witty insults that you wouldn't understand, and then gut you. You're probably wondering why these debonair swordsmen wouldn't be higher than fifth on the list. Well Virginia also goes by the nickname Wahoos. Rather than dive into a rant about this ridiculous name, I'll just move on and stay away from the state of Virginia.

4. The Wake Forest Demon Deacons

I struggled with where to put Wake Forest on this list. Originally I had them much lower, as religious monikers don't normally tend to register high on the intimidation scale. But when I was searching for pictures, the scowling deacon logo made me rethink my decision. 

Look at that guy and tell me he doesn't stir up images of an old-school Baptist parishioner that would literally beat you with his bible if you acted out in church. I think everyone has had some negative childhood experience with a super-religious adult who choose Jesus beats you over Jesus loves you as a Christian motto. 

It also doesn't hurt that Wake Forest's deacon rides into games on a motorcycle. Tell me you would mess with the guy in full top hat and tails riding on a Harley, and I would call you a liar. 

Just in case childhood trauma doesn't make you fear them, Wake Forest added the "Demon" just to make sure you know this isn't no ordinary man of God.

3. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

For every kid who had a horrible experience with religious adults, there are two had one with yellow jackets. But these stinging menaces aren't particularly aggressive unless you mess with their hive. Okay, cool, just stay away from their home and you're okay. 

Unfortunately, as many a summer camper has found out, yellow jackets usually nest in the ground, and you don't see them until your walking stick pokes one of them in the eye. And now, you've awoken a beast. 

Able to sting multiple times, possibly killing those allergic, the yellow jacket defiantly strikes fear in any man. But what really propels the Yellow Jackets into the top three is the other mascot they have, the "Ramblin' Wreck."

 A gold-painted roadster complete with beautiful women and rallying banners that say "Give 'em Hell Jackets," it rolls out on the field ready to run your tigers and cavaliers into the ground. Now if they could only train a swarm of bees to circle the car as it makes it's way onto the field, the Yellow Jackets would probably top the list.

2. The N.C. State Wolfpack

North Carolina State's mascot exemplifies everything a mascot should be. The fear factor isn't even a question. Even though most of us don't live in areas that wolves call home, anyone who's camped out before still trembles when they hear a dog howling in the distance.

Which brings up another point. Associating yourself with wolves allows you the right to use the wolf howl as a rallying cry. No matter if it's a drunk guy thumping his chest with his shirt off, or Michael J. Fox as he drives the lane in the eighties, the wolf howl strikes fear into the hearts of opponents.

The other factor that puts N.C. State over the top is the fact that it's a pack of wolves. Wolves are known for being protective of each other, only hunting in groups, and using their numbers to their advantage. 

The unity metaphors that a coach can implement are endless. Use your "pack mentality" to "circle your opponents" while being "hungry like a wolf." The only negative is the constant urge to play Duran Duran at home games.

1. The Florida State Seminoles

The only thing scarier than being surrounded by a pack of wolves is a tomahawk flying at your forehead. Many sports teams have used the honorable warrior mentality of the Native Americans as a rallying image for their team. Unfortunately most are also an image of blatant racism.

 But not Florida State, who when the NCAA banned offensive stereotypes as school mascots, received a special exception due to the overwhelming approval of the Seminole tribe of Florida. Why did the Seminoles endorse a possibly offensive image? Because the Seminoles eat stereotypes for breakfast. 

This is no ordinary Native American tribe. After many of their weak compatriots were driven out of Florida and into the west, about 400 or so Seminoles stuck around to fight. Hardening themselves by living in the Everglades and probably inventing alligator wrestling in the process, the Seminoles weren't going anywhere. 

In the wars that followed between the new Floridians and the Seminoles, the swamp boys killed 1,500 soldiers, which was at least triple the number of Seminoles that stayed behind. Eventually the soldiers gave up and even offered them two seats in the Florida congress, which the Seminoles proceeded to wipe their asses with. So, for choosing a mighty and fearsome icon, and for reminding us all of the history of the aptly named "Unconqured People," FSU wins the contest for best mascot in the ACC.

Hope you enjoyed the first instalment of this week's special feature. Feel free to voice your opinions about the list in the comments below. Tomorrow, we'll be looking at mascots from the Big Ten.

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Lebron, Kobe, and now D-Wade. Greece Lightning: The 50 million dollar question

They asked Lebron, they asked Kobe, and now their Olympic teammate, Dwayne Wade, was asked the big question. Would you go to Europe if offered fifty million dollars? The overwhelming response from all these players seems to be yes. Again, this is an early discussion, because like Kobe and Lebron, Wade's contract is not up for two years. But this is setting up 2010 to be the most important year for the NBA since the ABA merger in 1976. 

But the most shocking quote to come out of this interview was not that Wade would consider bolting for Greece for the big payday. It's this quote that he offered up when asked about Josh Childress' Greek contract:

"...the way his deal is structured Josh is making just about the same as I am after taxes."

Woah there! You're telling me Dwayne Wade, who put a lowly Marquette team on his back and took them to a Final Four? Dwayne Wade, who led an aging, hurt, Miami Heat team to an upset NBA Championship? That Dwayne Wade, is making as much as, I'm best known for my afro, Josh Childress? I hope David Stern has a firm grip on his synthetic balls, because he's about to get kicked square in them.
There of course is a grain of salt to be taken here though, because any player in the world is going to say yes to entertaining a huge offer from a European team. It's always worth thinking about taking large sums of money; at the very least it keeps NBA owners on their toes, so they'll pony up more money come negotiation time. But the downsides to the European Vacation could be greater than the ups. 

It's silly not to underestimate the drawing power of the history and location of David Stern's league. Leaving the NBA, for the majority of the players, would mean leaving your friends, leaving your family, leaving your culture; leaving home. I would have to think a lot of players would take a pay-cut to not lose all that. 

Then there's also the record books. Leaving for Europe would put a big scar on the player's place in NBA history. Records would come up short, Hall of Fame ballots might not be cast, and ditched franchises would be forever spiteful. These guys grew up watching Bird, Jordan, and Magic, and tried hard their whole lives to one day be able to emulate what those great players did. Giving all that up for a yacht shaped like a bottle of Cristal, might not be worth it. 

But this is also the age of lavish spending, cutting edge style, and international appeal. I mean how would it look to his posse if Josh Childress' Bentley is more fly than D-Wade's? Plus the possibility of being the player who ushers in a new era of global basketball could go down in history as the single greatest player in the sport period; trumping any NBA achievements. 

But that opportunity is only open for one man, so I guess the inevitable question is: who's going to do it? With the foreign-born heritage, the stage he's at in his career, and the adoration he's received in Beijing I have a very good feeling Shaq's gonna have something all new to rap about in 2010.

The story from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel is here

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Clearing the Smog, Vol. V: Getting to know the U.S. Men's Volleyball Team

In case you haven't heard, U.S. Men's Volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon's father in-law was killed, and his mother in-law murdered by a deranged attacker with a knife. All signs point to this being a freak incident, and not an attack on the Olympics or our country. But it is an incredible tragedy nonetheless. Obviously overtaken by grief, McCutcheon stepped down as coach to be with his family. Intrigued by how the team would respond, I stayed up late to watch the men take on Venezuela in their opener. But what began as morbid curiosity quickly turned into a love for the sport of volleyball and this U.S. Olympic squad. So once again I bring you an inspired look into:

The U.S. Olympic Men's Volleyball Team

Tom Hoff: The Captain

Making his third Olympic appearance, the captain was a college all-star. Originally signed by Ohio State, he left the team for Long Beach State his Junior year, even though he was a second team all American and starter for the buckeyes. A reason for all the OSU haters to like this team. At Long Beach he was a two-time all American and set multiple NCAA records while playing for the 49ers. I always thought San Fransisco had a creative name until I just found out they ripped off LBSU.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: In addition to being nicknamed dilly-dally, Hoff is quoted in the article as saying, "Please take me." and "Huge dreams and a minuscule.........scholarship."

Reid Priddy:  The Scoring Machine

The second leading scorer in Athens, Priddy has stepped up his game to be the top scorer for the U.S. in both the '07 World Cup and the '07 World League, where he was also the second highest scorer. Priddy says he started playing volleyball when his high school announced they would be starting a team. Clearly underfunded, Reid and his teammates would shop at thrift shops for "crazy outfits" just to shake things up. Don't worry though, this troubled teen became a born-again Christian in college.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: The player that Priddy finished second to in scoring at the World League: Russia's own, Semen Poltavsky (I'm dead serious, his name is Semen)

Clay Stanley: The Serving Ace

An absolute whiz with the yellow and blue. (Did you know they don't use white balls anymore?) Stanley was the top server at the '08 NORCECA Qualifiers. NORCECA stands for acronym that is about four letters too long. Clay is known as an "opposite hitter," which I hope means what I think it does. "The ball's coming real high, I'm sure Clay will be jumping up straight to hit it, nope he's jumping like a monkey again. Oh Clay, you're such a jokester."

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Stanley's NBC Bio includes articles titled "Bigger and Hits Harder" and "Riding on a Rainbow." Coincidentally, Clay Stanley always showers alone.

Lloy Ball: The Grizzled Veteran

In case you're already writing to inform me of a spelling error, his name really is Lloy. I have no idea what that's all about, but I like to think his mother suffered a stroke while giving his name, and nobody had the heart to tell her what happened. But if anyone can get through the shame of being d-less, it's Ball. A four time Olympian with a mean streak, Lloy has a goatee, pierced ear, and a plethora of tattoos that include the Olympic rings and a skeleton spiking a volleyball through a triangle. Which is badass because everyone knows triangles are the devil's volleyball net.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: None. Lloy eats sexual innuendo for breakfast.

Sean Rooney: The Tall Guy

Standing at a towering 6-9, Stanley originally started out playing basketball, but was" just a tall skinny kid who got pushed around a lot." So he began playing volleyball, where he is protected from the other players by a net. To make him sound a little less like a wussbag, I should mention that in 2006 he signed with the Korean Capital Hyundai Skywalkers. I really hope all the Korean volleyball teams have Star-Wars nicknames like the Vaders, the Millennium Falcons, and the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45's.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Coach McCutcheon, when asked about Rooney said he has a "wonderful feel." Lloy ball machoed it up a bit by saying he's a "left-side banger."

Ryan Millar: The Other Tall Guy

Just a hair under Rooney at 6-8, Ryan Millar is kind of a dick. Named as an assistant head coach for the BYU men's volleyball team, Millar found himself thrust into the spotlight when the head coach suddenly resigned. Named co-captain with assistant coach Shawn Patchell, Millar pulled himself out of the running for full-time coach because the pay sucked. Umm, Ryan you could have just said you didn't want it because you thought Patchell was the more deserving candidate, instead of spitting in the face of his McJob.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Miller's NBC bio includes articles titled, "Instant Impact" and "Sports and Young Love." Even Clay Stanley doesn't let Ryan near his children.

Gabe Gardner: Yet Another Tall Guy

Making his second Olympic appearance, Gabe is an opposite hitter, who used to be an outside hitter. So not only do you not know what he's going to do, you also don't know where he's coming from. Gardner dabbled in another Olympic sport while in high school: water polo. Offered scholarships from Pepperdine and UCLA, he turned them down to play volleyball at USC. All of his opponents let out a collective sigh. At 6-8, he probably didn't have to swim; a distinct water polo advantage.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Asked about Gabe, the coach had this to say: "switching Gardner's position came about because he is not great at receiving serve, but McCutcheon wanted to still be able to utilize Gardner." I'm beginning to wonder if a few of the players were relieved to see McCutcheon quit. I know, I know, too soon.

David Lee: The Kid

The youngest member of the squad, at the age of 26, this is Lee's first Olympics. The youngest at 26? I guess that explains why every volleyball match I've ever seen played, consisted of nothing but geriatric men with way too much back hair. Well not the back hair part, but if I have to suffer, so do you the reader. Lee is also a bit of a hothead and is known for "random yelling" during matches. Are they sure he doesn't just have Tourette's? To calm down, he enjoys stamp collecting and model train building. Which is why he fits in playing a sport with geriatric old men.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Lee's other hobbies include water sports and poker. A sentence who's double entendres make me laugh every time.

Quick Hits on the other members:

Scott Touzinsky: Has a weakness for buying shoes. (Gay)
Rich Lambourne: Played baseball, but switched to volleyball to be with friends. (Gay)
Riley Salmon: Is married to a woman named Millie (Gay)
Kevin Hansen: Shoots up at least six times a day. (Diabetic)

More innuendo at nbcolympics.com

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Oakland Playas! Your PGA Championship Leaderboard

Picking the winner of a Tigerless golf tournament is as close to needle in a haystack as you'll find in all of sports. Even providing commentary on all of the players is a chore to write and read. 158 golfers teed it up this week in Oakland Hills for the PGA Championship and one hundred of them have a legitimate chance to win the thing. So deciding a winner on Thursday is just foolish. Not one to pity fools, Wet Hot skips the boring Thursday and Friday rounds and gets straight to the good stuff. It's kinda like the little piece of dough in the middle of a cinnamon roll. So bust out your wetnaps as we pull out the sticky goodness that is your Friday night Leaderboard.

(-1) J.B. Holmes 

There's a good chance you've never heard of the 36 hole leader, but he's having a pretty good 2008. Holmes has three top ten finishes, one win (TPC Scottsdale) and a 25th place finish at the Masters. But with the ups there's been downs, as J.B. missed the cut at both Open Championships. By the way, if you're wondering why Mr. Holmes goes by the moniker, J.B., it's because his first name is John. You connect the dots.

(E) Ben Curtis 

There's a good chance you have heard of Curtis. The winner of the 2003 British Open, the experience of winning a major gives him an advantage over all but two other leaders. The fans will be rooting him on as well, because Curtis is sponsored by the NFL and wears the logo of whatever NFL team the venue is closest to. But I have a hard time picking a guy wearing Detroit Lions gear. (Admit it, you thought Oakland Hills was in California, me too. But it's really in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.)

(E) Justin Rose 

Trying to become the first European born winner of the PGA since Tommy Armour in 1930, Rose has a mountain of history to overcome. He's also trying to overcome a difficult 2008 season which includes only one PGA top ten, a missed cut at the U.S. Open, 70th place at the other, and a fall from the top, to 36th at the Masters. He's never won on the PGA tour, but came the closest he's ever been this year with that one top ten, a second place finish at the Memorial. But "second place by any name wouldn't smell as sweet" 

(E) Charlie Wi 

I suppose if this South Korean had a blog, he would get a lot of traffic from people who can't spell Michelle's name right. But unlike his almost namesake, Charlie has made the cut on the PGA tour 15 times this year. Unfortunately none of those were in majors. The Kenny Perry of Asia, Wi is playing in his first major of the year. But unlike Kenny Perry, Wi didn't poke himself in the eye and withdraw from the tournament. Okay, so he says it was a corneal infection, but I think he jabbed a ball marker in there to avoid playing in his only major. Kenny. You're third in the Ryder Cup standings, now breathe.

(+1) Henrik Stenson 

Wait, this can't be right, they must have switched Swedes. Nope, looks like Thursday night leader Robert Karlsonn shot a 77 and is a good deal off the pace in 26th place. Which is why we do our predictions on Friday. That's not to say that Stenson won't follow suit and shoot a 77 on Saturday though. But with a third place at the Open, 17th at the Masters, and 7 of 9 PGA cuts made this year, I bet Henrik will be sticking around.

(+1) David Toms 

This might be the only guy at the top of the leaderboard the casual golf fan has heard of. And that's probably just because of those ESPN commercials he did back in the day. Oh and he won the PGA in 2001 with the lowest score in major championship history, but that's nothing really. As amazing as that week in 2001 was, the last few years have not been kind to Toms. His best finish in 2008 is a 17th place finish in Charlotte. In the Ryder Cup Standings he's 46th, behind superstuds like Dudley Hart and Chez Reavie. (I've never heard of him, but with a name like Chez, that guy must have had no choice but to play professional golf or be a restaurant sign.)

(+2) 7 players 

The Smoking Duck (Angel Cabrera), Badds! (Aaron Baddeley), The Pornstar (Ken Duke), The Waggle (Sergio Garcia), The Kid (Sean O' Hair), The Other Singh (Jeev Mikah Singh), and Brandt Snedeker. Sorry Brandt, as a consolation for not having a sweet nickname, I pick you as the guy most likely to win out of the group. After all you did finish 3rd at the Masters and 9th at the U.S. Open. I guess I should call you the Top Ten Tennessean. (He's from Nashville)

So who out of these guys do I think will win the PGA? Nobody on this list particularly impresses so I'm gonna be a little creative with my answer. The guy who wins the PGA will also win a wild card berth on the U.S. Ryder Cup team. O'Hair, Snedeker, and Holmes are 13, 15, and 16, respectively, on the Ryder Cup standings. With a win at Oakland Hills, I think there's no doubt Zinger will pull the trigger with one of his four captains picks.

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Lebron Loves Baklava But Kobe Loves Cannolis. Bryant to Italy in 2010?

We first reported on Ben Gordon's possible European affair, which escalated into Lebron's interest, and now MVP Kobe Bryant says that he would "probably go" if offered $50 million from an Italian team like Milan.

"Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that? Peace out." Bryant continued: "Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?"  

If Ben Gordon went to Europe a couple of people in Chicago and his mom would be upset. If Lebron leaves, David Stern will resign, the NBA's ratings will take a nosedive, and the city of Cleveland will implode. But what would happen if Italian born Kobe decided to return home for a year in 2010?

1. Pau Gasol Will Cry Himself to Sleep. 

Drafted by the historically horrible Hawks, Gasol was rescued by the Vancouver Grizzlies, who suck just as bad, but at least the grizzly bearded Spaniard would fit in with the Canadian lumberjacks. Then, Vancouver, unable to sell enough Maple Syrup to support an NBA franchise, moved the team to Memphis. If you've ever been to ghettolicious Memphis you could see how a seven foot Spaniard would have a tough time there. 

But the clouds seemingly opened up for him again, when Phil Jackson let GM Chris Wallace sleep with Jeannie Bus in exchange for Gasol. I think if Pau gets hosed one more time when Kobe leaves him with a bunch of "energy guys," he's going to keep his neighbor's awake at night with the sound of tears falling from seven feet off the ground.


2. Long Live King Kobe. 

When Bryant arrives in Milan there will be thousands of people lining the streets to greet him. This won't be a couple of Long Island families in bootleg Jetts tees clinging to a chain link fence for Favre's autograph. I'm talking full on azure pride awaiting. Throngs of converted soccer hooligans drunkenly chanting their Kobe song they made up over a keg of Peroni last night. 

Not only is Bryant an Italian native, and fluent in the language, he defied the odds and left the United States for the sake of his home country. Sure the $50 million didn't hurt, but that's only $32.5 million Euros, so he's really just an average working class hero in Italy.

3. ESPN Will Start A New Channel. 

If you thought the coverage of "Bays of Our Lives" and "Spygate" were overdone, wait till the Kobe to Italy talks start heating up. Instead of just turning Sportscenter into Kobecenter like they did with Favre, they will also launch an entire channel called ESPNK, that is dedicated to nothing but Kobe Bryant coverage. 

Hear from insightful pundits like Kobe's high school math teacher, Olimpia Milano towel boys, and a guy who once gave him change for a dollar. Watch captivating footage of Kobe cashing his check at the bank, getting a slice of pizza, and watching his stocks. Marvel at the sports figures that ESPN drags out of retirement to talk about Kobe. It's a good thing ESPN is doing Sportscenter live all morning in a few days, because I'm just not getting enough coverage.

4. Kobe Can Resume Adultering. 

Kobe's bogus rape trial earned him a lifetime negative approval rating  everywhere outside of Los Angeles. Even though not convicted, cheating on your wife is a big time no-no in the morally righteous ideology of the United States. In Europe, sexual promiscuity is abundant, especially in Italy where lying about adultery is protected by the Italian version of The Supreme Court. 

So if some snooping paparazzi-man catches you fondling another woman's boobage, you have no need to worry. You can simply hold a press conference to say that you were giving her a complimentary breast exam that she won in a halftime free-throw shooting contest. And the Italians will be legally obligated to believe you.

Amore on Kobe's Italian Future at The Boston Globe.

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Don't Die at the Olympics

If you're traveling to Beijing for the 2008 Summer Olympics there's a few things I'd like to discuss with you. First: you're a little late. Flights to China take longer than you think and you DON'T want to be the last guy to walk into the opening ceremonies. Can you say EMBARRASSING?! It's going to take a little longer than an in-flight showing of the holiday classic, "Jingle All The Way" to fly from New York to Beijing.

Second: Life at the Olympics and Beijing are dangerous. It's not like living in your safe little Harlem 2-bedroom apartment. Nope, it's a different world over there in China.

I thought it would be only right to provide you with a couple of quick survival tips to help you get through your trip to this year's summer games alive. It's the "Don't Die at the Olympics" guide.

Let's begin. First of all, you've heard lots and lots about the polluted air over there in Beijing. You think it's hype? Think again. Washington Post blogger extraordinaire Dan Steinberg tried out a little experiment; survive a lengthy jog in the heart of smog-haven Beijing. Here are the frightening results:



Lesson learned? To avoid death, don't jog in Beijing.

The air isn't the only death trap over there. Sometimes the actual Olympic events can be just as death-defying. If you're a member of the sports media, an athlete, or just a crazy fan sneaking onto the playing surface, you MUST pay attention to your surroundings:



Ouch! To avoid death, know your surroundings.

And finally, when you're walking around China remember that the laws of the land are a bit different from that of the red, white, and blue. So before committing that crime it's important to note that in China:

Defendants can be put to death for criminal offenses, including nonviolent property crimes such as theft, embezzlement and forgery. In 1993, 77% of all executions worldwide were carried out in China.

On a single day, 9 January 1993, 356 death sentences were handed down by Chinese courts; 62 executions took place that day. During that year alone, 2,564 people were sentenced to death. At least 1,419 of them are known to have been executed.

Talk about swift penalties. You may want to keep those criminal tendencies hidden for the next couple of weeks. Good luck in Beijing and and we'll see you next time. Stay alive America.

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Thursday Throw-down: The Olympics VS The Super Bowl

Welcome to Thursday boys and girls! Each and every 4th day of the work week we will have a mighty throw-down; a (somewhat) scientific comparison between two things. Maybe one week its two athletes, or two sports, or two athlete's wives/mistresses.

This week in honor of the upcoming Summer Olympics just hours away (unless you don't count the fruity opening ceremonies, which I don't) we'll throw-down with the 2008 Summer games vs. The Super Bowl. It's the pinnacle of international competition doing battle with the pinnacle of good 'ol AMERICAN competition. And you know, beer and over produced halftime shows.

Let's Throw-down!

	THE 2008 OLYMPICS	THE SUPER BOWL
SPORT	With 34 different sports represented it's got something for everyone including some really fun obscure sports like table tennis and trampoline, which we are all a little surprised to find out are actual sports.	Football. I mean it's America's favorite sport. There's lots of hitting and running and throwing and what not. It's quite nice.
FANS	You've got a random and extremely small assortment of fans from countries all over the world. And then you've got a billion Chinese.	If you're lucky you get Raiders fans, which is basically an assortment of people celebrating Halloween every day. If you're having a bad day you get Eagle fans who will boo Santa Clause, misspell their own team's name in chants, and consume a billion cheese steaks.
BEST ATHLETE	I'll go ahead and pick American swimmer Michael Phelps; he may win the record for most gold medals won in a single Olympics and he's got a really sweet 'stache.	Tom Brady. He's dreamy.
WORST ATHLETE	Table Tennis player (come on this is just Ping Pong right?). Incredible hand-eye coordination and quickness. Poor muscle definition, personality, and exclusively Asian in ethnicity.	Punter. Incredible leg strength and flexibility. Poor tackling ability, size, strength, mental toughness, and just about everything else required of any other position player.
AWARD GIVEN	Small circular medal, hopefully golden.	Vince Lombardi trophy, a giant phallic symbol with a little football on top.
LOCATION	Beijing, China. Possibly the most polluted area on the planet. Crowded city, lack of English spoken.	Usually a warm, tourist friendly city in America. Plenty of English spoken.
TV PERSONALITY	Bob Costas. That little guy is just brimming with interesting sports anecdotes and statistics.	John Madden. He's everything BUT little and is expanding every day.

And the winner of the 1st annual Wet Hot American Sports Thursday Throw-down.....

THE SUPER BOWL! Come on, did you think we'd pick some "Foreign" sporting event over our good 'ol American tackle-fest? The truth is, I've never heard of an Olympics party and as far as I know the commercials are not that funny. And I complain that the Super Bowl is WAY too long, not to mention the pregame show, but the Olympics last weeks. What if we had to wait WEEKS to find out who was in fact going to Disney World?

Congrats Super Bowl, you will receive a free subscription to the new award winning blog "Wet Hot American Sports." My friends tell me it's all the rage.

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Clearing the Smog, Vol. IV: Getting to Know the Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympians

With the Olympics just one day away from beginning, it's time for yet another episode of Clearing the Smog: Getting to know your U.S. Olympians. With our helpful tidbits of information you'll be the envy of Sigma Delta Rho when watching the Archery finals. Why? Because you'll know that Butch Johnson is a five time Olympian and not just a great porn title. So I now present you with:

The Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympic Athletes

(Click any picture for a full sexy res version)

10. Dara Torres 

Occupying the obligatory MILF slot, Torres still smokes through the swimming pool at age 41. Competing in her fifth Olympic games, she was the oldest U.S. Olympian in 2000, but surprisingly isn't in 2008. 58 year old air pistol shooter, Libby Callahan, beat her out this time. Sorry Libby there's no obligatory GMILF slot on this list.

9. Kerri Walsh

Ready to unseat Torres in a few years, thirty-year-old Walsh has competed in the Olympics in both indoor and beach volleyball. She makes this list for two reasons. One, she fulfills the tall girl requirement, and two, she probably will spend most of the time you see her in a bikini. Plus you could come up with a behind the back hand signal that only you and her would understand. For example a wiggle of the pinky clockwise means, "sex later?"

8. Allyson Felix.

A silver medal winner in Athens, this sprinter turns heads faster than anyone else on this list. Allyson also has that "I might occasionally kick your ass, but that's okay because the sex will be phenomenal," look about her. You know what I mean; the kind where you tell your coworkers that the bruises are from that infernal Bowflex, and they roll their eyes and say, "Sure it was."






7. Alicia Sacramone.

If it wasn't for that whole underage thing, I'd probably put nothing but gymnasts on this list. But Sacramone is twenty, so booya. Alicia is very attractive, with an Italian allure and surprisingly developed "pectorals" for a gymnast. But even if she was beaten with an ugly stick, I'd still probably put her on this list. Any guy who's ever been with a gymnast will know exactly why.


6. Natalie Coughlin. 

A freshman entry into the list, Natalie makes a strong debut at number six. She gets bonus points for being really good as well as smoking hot. She could win a whole slew of swimming medals in Beijing. Sexy, competitive, and you might be able to wear one of her spare medals to feel like a champ in bed. I once wore a gold medal in competitive eating to bed. She was a very large woman. 

5. Hope Solo. 

Just look at the determination in her gorgeous eyes. Hope is a woman who knows what she wants. Notorious for getting kicked off the World Cup team for criticizing her coach, she's the kind of girl you  want as a girlfriend. If you order a pizza and it gets there without the bacon you ordered, she would be the kind to march down to Papa John's house himself and bitch slap him with a slab of bacon, because she knows how much her man loves bacon.

4. Amanda Beard. 

Yet another one of the slightly "mature" women, Beard has been dominating this list for decades. But she loses points this time around for those PETA ads she did. Yes, she did the ads nude, but associating with wacko organizations like PETA is very not sexy. I don't like to be slapped during post-coitus because she just had an orgasm on what she later discovered was a goose down comforter.

3. Jennie Finch. 

Probably the most well know Olympic sexpot on this list, Finch is like the Brett Favre of softball; without the man stubble of course. She's been on "The Apprentice" and was voted ESPN's hottest athlete in 2003. But the best part of her resume is that she occasionally corresponds for ESPN's "This Week in Baseball." Leaving open the fantasy that she might have once grazed her hand across Erin Andrews. Accidentally of course, but awesome none the less.




2. Heather Mitts. 

She's already got a great porn name, so without even looking at her she's worth a mention. Okay, now look at her. Yeah, lived up to the hype didn't it? That's why this superfly soccerite makes it so high on this list. She also, unlike any of the other girls on this list, looks really nice. I mean I like my fair share of crazy, powerful, sadistic girls, but the girl next door is a hell of a lot less stressful.

1. Jenny Adams. 

Please turn your attention to the picture on the left. Jenny is a hurdler. There, now I won't say anything more to ruin your moment gazing upon this fantastic woman.

That not enough for you? Well okay, I'll do some more. This is really boring and dull, but if you must insist, I present: 

The Five Sexiest Female Foreign Olympic Athletes.

5. Susanna Kallur. 

This sexy little Swede was born in the United States to NHL player, Anders Kallur. Sing ABBA tunes with her to celebrate her hurdling victory while you hurdle her into bed. And if you didn't have a reason to watch women's hurdling before, you certainly do now.

4. Alexandra Orlando. 

Another classic porn name, this fiery Latino hails from the sweaty jungles of...Canada? I don't know what the hell that's all about, but I really don't care. I can put up with a couple of Ehs and Aboots for her any day of the week. She is also the only reason to give a crap about rhythmic gymnastics.

3. Christine Arron. 

I'll admit this photo of Christine is pretty airbrushed, as a Google image search of her will produce pictures of a track star that was quite fugly a few years ago. But she looks like freaking J-lo in that picture. Airbrushed or not, she's still pretty damn fly. Plus she's French, and french accents increase sexiness tenfold.

2. Ana Ivanovic. 

An incredibly close second place, Ivanovic is also near the best female tennis player in the world right now. I tell you, when Anna Kornikova hit the scene, I thought she couldn't be topped. But then Maria Sharapova arrived, who has now been replaced by Ana Ivanovic. I love women's tennis.

1. Yelena Isinbayeva. 

If one takes the two pictures at face value alone, you might give Ana the slight edge. But if you take into account that Yelena's picture was taken in the middle of a track meet when she's sweaty, stinky, and not wearing makeup; and Ana's was done in a photo studio, Yelena is definitely the winner. I selected this picture to make that point. Plus there's just something about the way she's gripping that pole. If you want a more refined photo just Google her name and you'll be entertained for hours.

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Can You Digg It?

We are just constantly exploring new, fun, and wonderful things. And no, I'm not talking about Phil's new obsession with collecting Russian nesting dolls, I'm referring to the little yellow box to the right. This is the Digg Button/Counter. If you aren't aware, Digg is a fantastic site where people vote on the best content on the web every day.

So where does this leave you the reader? Hopefully you have come to this site because you enjoy the fantastic sports commentary and hilarious jokes. If so I encourage you to digg this article and any other article that suits your fantasy. This will help get the good word out about our thought provoking entertainment. SIDE NOTE: If you are merely visiting this website on the hope that Phil will finally release the pictures of he and Natalie Portman's baby, you don't have to digg us.

All you have to do to Digg an article is click the digg it button. You will have to sign up for a Digg account, but its super quick and easy. You'll be done quicker than Brett Favre changes his mind. So please help the starving children and promote world peace and Digg our site. So I have to post something after the jump even though I'm done with this thought, because the Chinese IT slaves in the basement say I do. So after the jump, I'll post one of the sought after Elkins/Portman baby pictures.


Sadly, not even the super-hot Natalie Portman could counteract the sheer ugliness of Phil.
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B-R-E-T Bretts! Bretts! Bretts!

Well the soap opera, "Bays of Our Lives" is finally coming to a close, and another twist is a fitting end to the story. As of late Wednesday night, it has become official that Brett Favre will be a New York Jet this fall. Even though it seemed like a long shot at first, the New Jersey Jets put together a compelling case for graybeard to throw bombs in the Meadowlands this year. Stolen from underneath Eric Mangini's Calzone at a Cosa Nostra hangout, I present you:

The Top 5 Reasons Brett Favre Will Love The Jets

5. The Jet's Schedule is Cake.

This season the Jets will play only four games against teams that had winning records last year. The Patriots twice, San Diego, and Tennessee. They play four out of the five worst teams from last year, and the worst team, the Dolphins, twice. The only team in the bottom five they don't play against: The New York Jets.

4. I Heart NY will be replaced by I Heart BF

New York will absolutely fall in love with country boy Brett. The New York media and New York fans have always had a special reverence for good ole boys. Whether it's the clean cut and affable Derek Jeter, or the hard-working David Lee, New Yorkers love blue collar guys. New York is such a melting pot of cultures that nobody cares where you're from, they just want you to be approachable and relate to them.

3. The Reunion with Bubba.

Favre will be arriving at training camp to the large arms and spit stained shirt of his old buddy Bubba Franks. The veteran tight end joined the Jets during the off-season after being realsed by the Packers. Anybody who counted out New York in the Favre-off was forgetting how much of a self-proclaimed country boy Favre is. Combine a friend named Bubba with the backwoods setting of the Jersey suburbs and Favre should feel right at home.

2. The Jets Have a Deceptively Good Team.

The defense was a solid, middle of the road squad last year, statistically. But when you factor in two trips versus the thorn in their side, Patriots offensive juggernaut they rank much higher. With the addition of Buckeye bruiser Vernon Gholston and wiley veteran Kris Jenkins, they should be even better. The offense will be markedly better. The addition of Alan Faneca to the O-line will help Thomas Jones and new backup Jesse Chatman break open the running game. The wide receiver corp is already spectacular. Laverneus Coles and Jerricho Cotchery have always been on the cusp of the Pro Bowl. By replacing Pennington's pea-shooter with Favre's cannon expect them to be a dynamic duo this year.

1. He Can Pull Off the Fur Coat

Move over Broadway Joe, Broadway Brett's moving in. No more suffering through the unbearable Wisconsin winters wearing crappy NFL issued vinyl jackets. After Namath's precedent was set its perfectly acceptable to rock the giant, puffy, fur coat in the Meadowlands. But instead of just paying tribute to the man, I say take it to the next level. Kill a grizzly bear, preferably with your hands, skin it, and wear that as your fur coat on your way to the Super Bowl. Not only will you replace Joe Namath as the number one Jet, you'll replace Chuck Norris as the number one badass.

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Four Square, Vandalism, and Your Daily Dose of Favre

When I was in high school I took a job at the YMCA one summer working at their summer day camp. From day one I fell in love with the job. The kids were fun, my coworkers were great, and I basically got paid to beat little kids in basketball. I am terrible at basketball, but little kids are much worse. I continued to work there for the next five years or so but then things started to turn a little. 

The people in charge were slowly changing the image of the camp, making it more Christian and wholesome, and staffing the camp with super nice people that loved to sing about Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with all that. I mean I love me some Jesus singing and all but I missed the old days. I missed tethering children to the back of the makeshift golf cart and driving through mud puddles. I missed pointing out the female counselors in training that would be most likely to get us arrested. I missed the irony of showing up to work hung over only to lead devotional with my campers an hour later. Yes those were some good times. 

So anyway, one night while trying to impress a fellow female counselor, I decided to bring back the past a little. I grabbed a can of paint out of the art supply closet and proceeded to vandalize the camp with YMCA friendly graffiti. Unfortunately, I made a small mistake with what I thought was a harmless prank; I involved the female counselor. She was the second person grilled about the incident, I of course the first. Well moments after I had just finished polishing off my watertight alibi and schmoozing the big man, she ratted out both of us. So now we finally get to the part of this story that matters. 

Called back into the office moments after lying my ass off, I had to face the big man again. By the way big man isn't some corny slang I use, my boss was literally a very big man. Normally this kind of thing would have been open and shut. "Hi Jason, you just lied to my face about vandalizing a Christian camp, I think you know where the door is." But, I wasn't just some schmo who was hired off the street. I was a hardy veteran who was fully entrenched in the YMCA system. 

I had won countless awards for leadership and pottery making and all other counselor related superlatives. I even was inducted into a special club for YMCA badasses. That's right, if I hadn't smeared tomorrows arts and crafts project all over the bathroom door, I might be wrangling dodgeballs in a gym in Akron right now. 

But there I was, surprisingly relaxed for a man who knew he was getting the boot. My boss and I casually talked about our mutual love for Wolfpack basketball, and just reminisced about the years past. My proverbial career was flashing before my eyes. We both knew the end result: you're fired, we're moving on. Moral of the story: don't ever commit crimes with women. But the reason this story from the past surfaced today is not because of some female hating agenda, but because of our dear friend Brett Favre. (Woah, did he really just turn a quaint little piece about his youth into yet another Brett Favre story? You bet your ass I did. Suck on that ESPN.)

When I read about the meeting McCarthy had with Favre and the eventual outcome, I was taken back to that wet, hot, American summer, and the meeting with the big man. I imagine the five hour meeting with Mike McCarthy was very much the same. Two men with mutual respect for one another chatting about the good ole days, talking about nothing really, but all the while just wanting to have one last goodbye. 

Both men knew going into this meeting what the result was going to be. I mean do you really think Favre went in there and told his coach "I want my job, but I'm not willing to beg for it." Or do you think McCarthy told Favre, "Were willing to let you compete for the job only because the press is killing us and you don't really stand a chance." No, of course not. But one last formality was required and thus the awkward man hug that is firing a legend began. 

McCarthy and Favre respected the decision that each other had to make, as my boss and I did ten years ago. But the one tiny little difference between the scenarios is that I never won the YMCA Super Bowl and didn't set every statistical record for camp counseling. Plus, I was on the down slope of my career, realizing that when a bunch of first graders beat me at four square. 

So, once again and for the final time, I promise, I really hope the Green Bay Packers know what the hell they are doing. Because once he walks out that door, he'll never step foot in that YMCA again, no matter how good the catering in the five hour meeting was. I found my next gig at the Bennigans down the street, and my guess is Favre won't have to drive too far either. Although I looked terrible in Bennigans green, Favre is gonna look pretty good in Vikings purple.

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The Stat Machine

Welcome to the Stat Machine: a fancy and expensive device we have purchased that spits out interesting sports statistics for our amusement. My aim every Wednesday is to bring you the funny, the strange, the amazing, and the just plain wacky stats found in such sports categories as:

- batting average
- record when playing at home and wearing white
- penalty kill percentage

And of course everyone's favorite, YAC (yards after catch). So lets crank up the machine, watch the flashing lights, and see what our stat machine has in store for us today.


* Trever Miller, Pitcher: Last week Tampa Bay Rays (Don't you dare say DEVIL Rays) pitcher Trever Miller earned his first decision since September 30, 2006. The win he earned was his first decision in 121 straight appearances on the mound, a Major League Baseball record. After the game Miller went straight to the jokes.

"I tell you what, I'm going to go home tonight and make some decisions," Miller said. "Cause I told my wife, 'Don't ask me anything.' I haven't had a decision in a year and a half; it's all you. You decide where we're going, what vacations we're taking. Now I'm going to take control. So she'll be happy with that."

A feat such as this requires several things. A win OR a loss is counted as a decision so Miller had to pitch just well enough to avoid a loss but poor enough to miss a win. You also have to have an offense behind you that has a penchant for staying off the bases. Any run support at all, even just one run, the inning after he pitches very well could decide the game.


* Pittsburgh Pirates: On opening day this baseball season the Pirates, like every other team, fielded a roster of 25 players. Only 14 of those 25 players still remain in Pittsburgh today. Outfielder Xavier Nady and left-handed reliever Damaso Marte were recently traded to the Yankees, and of course outfielder Jason Bay is now a member of Red Sox nation as part of the Manny trade to the Dodgers.

Pittsburgh entered August in last place in the National League Central, 14.5 games out of first place. Who says you need stability to be successful!


* NBA Live '09 is Alive: The latest NBA video game installment looks to be a lot more realistic than any other basketbal game to date. This upcoming game will feature something called Dynamic DNA which will use changing player abilities, stats, injuries, and trades to update the gameplay. Information will be downloaded to your system as it unfolds throughout the regular season of the NBA.

With almost real-time information you'll have new plays available to call, and ever changing game play. You've always been able to download updated rosters but never before have you had player abilities and team tendencies change as they happen on the real hardwood.

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Continue Reading...

Regular readers of WHAS (if you've only been around for a week do you really have "regular" readers?) will notice that we've added a new element to our posts. A change so mind-blowing and revolutionary that I can't tell you about it just yet.

But I tell you what, if you promise to keep this information between you, me, and the other 433 readers of WHAS, then lets go for a ride. Just click on that link below that says "Continue Reading." Don't be afraid, take the plunge.

And then here we are. Not as exciting as you thought right? I admit I built up that hype for no other reason than to demonstrate the story preview feature we've added to the site. Instead of having full posts of our drivel clogging your browser you'll see a few paragraphs of material only, and then if you're feeling curious you can click the link to expand the post.

We think you'll like having this sort of setup and if you don't we'll still keep it anyway. But we would feel sorry for you for a couple of extremely emotional seconds.

However, on that note we always love to hear from our dedicated readers with questions, ideas, hate mail, Viagra solicitations, etc. We can be reached anytime at:

WetHotAmericanSports@gmail.com

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Dick Pound Hates Rubbing Rods

Got your attention with that one, didn't I? Okay, so I was a little liberal with the verbiage, but the gist of it is true. The Associated Press is reporting that the IOC was extremely unhappy with the wave of protests that followed the torch relay on its way to Beijing, and could look into canceling the event in the future. But what makes this a difficult news story for a fourteen-year-old sports anchor is the involvement of Canadian member Dick Pound.


Dick Pound rose to sexual innuendo prominence as the head of the World Anti-Doping Association during which he made a constant attack on the Tour de France, and most notably Lance Armstrong. Well the cruelly named is back at it again with a knee jerk response to a paper tiger. Asked about the recent torch relays, Pound had this to say,

"This came very close to becoming a disaster," he said. "The risks were obvious and should have been assessed a little more carefully. The result is there was a crisis affecting the games."

First off, were the protests really all that bad? I'll admit I didn't follow that closely, but the worst thing I seem to remember was the Rick Rolling in San Fransisco. As horrible as Rick Astley is, its no reason to cancel a tradition as old as the games them self.

Second, by cancelling the torch relay because of a negative response to China's foreign policy, you are sending out the wrong message. Normally, most of the world would tune out or be ignorant of the way China treats Tibet or its own people, but by hosting the Olympics, they are exposing themselves to the world. Shouldn't freedom of expression be able to make its way to the Olympic stage, especially if its in the name of World Peace?

And Last, by stamping out the torch relay, you're killing one of the few international bonds that we have left in this world. The torch relay, Live Aid, and Internet Porn; are the last true world bridging activities available. With Live Aid getting suckier every time its held, and now the torch relay possibly on the out, web porn is our last bastion of hope. Once again proving my theory that porn is the key to the survival of the human race.

The AP Report is here (CONTINUE READING)

The Tuesday Ten

Here at WHAS, we tend to get all information the Internet way: secondhand. We peruse the webs for stories that pique or interest and then proceed to make elementary school jokes and half-assed opinions about them. So, naturally this Brett Favre things has put a stopgap on the flow of story variety. Therefore the only thing I could come up with for the inaugural Tuesday Ten is some more Favre related dribble:




The Top Ten Things Brett Favre Could Do If He Had Stayed Retired

10. Go Fishing.

With all the talk Brett gave during and after his announced retirement, you would think that the man really loves fishing. So why was he only satisfied with one month this summer? And worse yet, he confined himself to his home state of Mississippi. 

Number four could have taken an expedition up to Alaska to catch salmon with his bare hands. He could have flown to Japan to catch Koi from an elderly man's pond, or he could shoot wild steelhead with Michael Ian Black in Oregon. There's a whole world of fishing out there Brett and I'm sure that cannon of an arm would impress all the local bassmasters.

9. Become a Mentor. 

Rumor has it, Favre was working out at a local high school to stay in shape for the comeback he knew was coming from day one. But instead of just running up and down stadium steps by yourself Brett, why not invite a couple of the local teens to join you. 

The bonding you would have with the young sprites as y'a'll baked in the southern sun taking breaks for tall glasses of iced tea, would be priceless. Who knows, maybe one of the kids will contract some incurable disease, and you and the other kids will go on a worldly trip to save his life. It could happen. And if it did, the book and movie rights would make you more money than you ever would playing for the Packers.

8. Learn Karate.

The first time I ever really started to like Brett Favre was during a Monday Night Football game where he was mic'd up. At the game, Pat Morita of "Karate Kid" fame was walking around the sidelines for a reason I don't remember. But Favre's eyes lit up like a elementary-schooler at a Hannah Montana concert when he saw the Hollywood martial artist. 

If he hadn't recently passed away, I would suggest he hire Morita, pick up some 80's lycra and day-glo, and live the dream. But there are any number of suitable replacements. Learn the ways of the East and the way to the perfect Philly Cheesesteak with Steven Segal. Brush up on your roundhouse kicks and your knowledge of Texas law enforcement with Chuck Norris. Or just pay Martin Kove (The actor who played the leader of Cobra Kai) to dress up and let you kick him the face repeatedly.

7. Train for London.

Brett Favre is 38, so that would mean by the time the 2012 Olympics in London rolled around, he would be 42. Roughly the same age as geriatric swimming phenom Dara Torres. So it's not out of the realm of possibility that he could do it. He's fit, competitive, and I bet he loves the heck out of his country. 

But what sport would he compete in. Water Polo? Equestrian? Rhythmic Gymnastics? I'm placing my bets on the shot put. He's got that cannon of an arm, so it wouldn't take much tweaking. He's got the spin move nailed down from avoiding sacks all those years. And finally, he could finally start taking steroids now that all he has to deal with is the mismanaged WADA.

6. Become a Country Musician.

You have a southern accent. You've been known to strum a guitar. You have a permastubble beard, and you have plenty of money to hire someone to write and produce songs about women and drinking for you. Congratulations you can be country music's next star! 

Team up with Kid Rock for a rip-roaring crossover, make Deanna jealous with your duet with Sheryl Crow, and Boot Scoot with Billy Ray as you release your album, "Lambeau Love Songs." With such great hits as "She thinks my Cheesehat's sexy", "Mike Holmgren's Jugtime Tune", and "You look Good in My Sweat Stained Jersey" Favre is bound for success.

5. Start acting again.

Everyone knows about Favre's brush with acting in the movie, "Something About Mary," which tuned him into a popular Trivial Pursuit question. So, why stop there Brett? 

Throw on a few pounds, question your place in life and suit up for coach Eastwood. The coming of age tale you two could produce together about a little boy from Mississippi who witnesses some sort of abortion or sex change operation that scars him for life will be Oscar Gold. Or you could put on thirty layers of latex, develop a fondness for French, and adapt some graphic novel for the big screen with Guillermo del Toro. Or just return to your roots and let the Farrelly Brothers team you up with Jimmy Fallon in a movie about a talking banana.

4. Spend Money.

His final contract for the Green Bay Packers was worth somewhere close to one hundred million dollars. Which again makes me ask the question; why can't athletes stay retired? Seriously, you have over one hundred million dollars, how can you not keep yourself entertained? 

Do you miss the players? You could probably afford to buy out the entire practice squad of the Packers to sit around a locker room replica at your mansion. Do you miss the fans? Hire local high schoolers to get drunk and sit in grandstands outside your house. Every time you get the paper, you'll be greeted by painted beer bellies and girls screaming to have your baby. Or Is it the competition you miss? Use your dumptrucks full of money to buy thirty Chinese sweatshop workers to form a dodgeball league. It's win-win really. You free them from oppression and you get to wail on communism with the red rubber of capitalism.

3. Have Sex with Your Wife.

Deanna Favre is very hot. She is one seriously smoking brunette who I would do innumerable dirty things to. You sir are one lucky man and you should treat that woman right. Take her to a private beach in the Carribean for a week. Just you her and the gentle roar of the ocean. 

You approach her wearing your ripped khakis and white linen shirt holding a bottle of Chateaux Royale Number Five and two glasses. She sits on the huge goose down blanket strewn on the beach, her skin aglow from the tropical sun. You gently caress her....you know what screw the book and movie rights to the dying kid story, you could make a killing with the Favre series of romance novels.

2. Take the $20 million.

Reportedly the Packers were going to offer Brett Favre in the upwards of twenty million to be a spokesperson/hand model for the next few years for the Green Bay Packers. Considering number one draft pick commentators like Michael Strahan are only getting $2 million a year, it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.  And they actually have to do real work. 

All you'd have to do is show up to a couple of fundraiser dinners, shake a few hands, pretend to enjoy hanging out with poor kids for The United Way, and you're done. They're going to continue to profit on you one way or another, this way you get some extra cash, and they get to make their Brett Favre waffle irons they've been dying for.

1. Be Aaron Rodgers' Friend.

You guys could have been best buddies. His California attitude, your Southern charm; you could have been a dynamic duo of dudedom. You could watch over his shoulder as he struggles, encouraging him to keep on plugging, while you sip hot cocoa in the hotel, waiting for him to arrive and tell you all about his day. When he finally retires, as the number two quarterback in Packers history, the two of you can laugh about how Bubba Frank used to spit when he talked, and how Donald Driver had a fondness for Booberry cereal. You could talk into the wee hous of the night, taking the minutes of a club in which only you and him belong. 

But that's not happening, is it Brett? You just had to unretire, casting an ominous shadow on Aaron's standing as the Packer QB of the future and ruining his fragile ego in the process. Way to go Brett. You will never be able to experience the warmth of a homemade Aaron Rodgers afghan. Have fun in training camp, douche.

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